With all this talk of Brittany Griner entering the NBA draft, people seem to have broken into 3 camps:
- Sane people who know she couldn’t make it and would be a benchwarming publicity show at best
- Insane people who think dominating women a foot shorter than her will somehow translate to success against bigger, taller, faster, and stronger men
- Even more insane people who think that suggesting she play in the NBA is insulting and sexist because it implies that men’s basketball is somehow more relevant than women’s basketball
The first group is right so I have no issues with them. The second group is made up of wild optimists and people who don’t believe what they’re saying; Men who don’t want to appear sexist and women who don’t want to look like they’re insulting their own gender.
But this third group, they’re the ones who bug me because they’re just lying for the sake of headlines. Or they just really are stupid. Or insane. Maybe they have a different definition of relevant. But the league that gets more money, more rating, more viewers, and more media coverage is more relevant, right? Maybe I’m the crazy one.
But, with all this in the news, I figured it’s a good time to post an old skit I wrote back when there was this much hype around around Candace Parker. Remember her? Yeah, no one else does either. Because the WNBA is so relevant.
Actually, it all reminds me of an old WNBA ad campaign for their playoffs. The commercials showed “famous” playoff moments and asked “Remember this?” To which I replied, “Of course I don’t.” My wife wasn’t too happy about that but, since she was an avid basketball fan who didn’t remember it, she couldn’t really argue too much.
Anyway, Candace was the first girl that made everyone think women’s basketball would finally be relevant because there was a woman who could dunk once or twice a season. Feel the excitement! Remember, she won a dunk contest against boys by doing a dunk any of them could have done ten times in a row without breaking a sweat? All of her dunks made ESPN’s Top 10 Plays because “WOW! A WOMAN DUNKING!” Expect great!
So we went through the same cycle that we’re going through now, just without the social media component. There were dozens of articles and stories about Candace was a sexy but dominant athlete who was finally going to make women’s basketball relevant, and then dozens of backlash articles and stories that claimed her sex appeal didn’t matter—Ok this sex appeal stuff doesn’t apply to Griner, but still, pretty much the same arc. And of course, no one wanted to write that WNBA games would still be unwatchable because that would be sexist. And what happened? No seriously, I’m asking. I think she got pregnant, maybe got injured, and possibly won a championship. She could be retired or in the middle of a historic run of championships. Nobody knows. Sure, I could do some research, but I wouldn’t have to if she and the WNBA had actually started to matter like everyone claimed it would.
Some people will blame the media for holding it down. They’ll blame ESPN for only running 30-second highlights on SportsCeneter, or blame Sports Illustrated or the papers for only dedicating a page or two to the league, but we all know they’d cover it if their was money in it. Which there isn’t.
And now we’re going through the whole song and dance again. Only now reporters are breathlessly chasing after NBA players hoping to fool one of them into admitting that Griner couldn’t play in the NBA. Fortunately, they all see this trap—or they’ve been prepared by their PR team—so they regurgitate some noncommittal blather about how she’s dominant and fun to watch. But if one of them was dumb enough to say she could never compete in the NBA, we’d have a whole new story. We’d be treated to a week’s worth of yelling about how Player X is a horrible sexist and how dare that scumbag say Griner couldn’t make it.
But fortunately, Griner seems smart enough to know there’s no reason for her to embarrass herself in the NBA when she could just make a ton of money by dominating lesser competition in the WNBA. And who knows, maybe having 2 players who can dunk will suddenly make the WNBA must-see TV. 20% of the teams now have someone who can dunk! Wait, how many teams are in the WNBA? To Google!
Ok, there are 12 teams in the WNBA—and 8 of them make the playoffs? 75% of teams make the playoffs? Why not give out participation trophies?—so that means 16% of them have someone who can dunk. So there will be someone who can dunk in up to 33% of games. Good thing the WNBA just redesigned their logo to show a woman in the middle of dunking. They know where their bread is not buttered.
Anyway, I wrote this skit 5 or 6 years ago when Candace Parker was coming out of college. Just a guess at how it would go if a woman ever made it into the NBA. Enjoy.
The First Woman in the NBA
Scene:
(SportsCenter, Enter Stuart Scott)
Stuart Scott:
Tonight on SportsCenter, a historical day for the NBA. We’ve all heard the stories: Girls can’t play with boys. Those dawgs be too big, too strong, too all around dope for them to keep up. Hos thinking they can hang with bros be straight tripping, yo! Yes, like the Wu-Tang clan, NBA Men ain’t nothing to mess with. But wait, tonight Tulana Parker will step onto an NBA court and she won’t be cheerleading, far from it, she’ll be playing, the first woman to ever play in an NBA game. Now we take a look back to see wha...wha had happened?
(Cut to video from inside car driving through a poor neighborhood)
Tom Rinaldi:
Tulana Parker, her older brother Sean and their fifty siblings grew up poor in the poor side of town with their poor parent in a poor house made of poorboy sandwiches. Realizing they needed an escape, their single mother sold her foodstamps for a set of encyclopedias, then traded them for a basketball, and changed their lives forever.
Uncle Jones:
Tulana had always idolized Sean and did whatever he did, and after they got that basketball they were inseparable. It didn’t matter that their sneakers were made of dirty diapers, or that their court was just a toilet seat stuck to a telephone pole next to the train tracks, couldn’t stop them playing, couldn’t stop them dreaming. Like Pops always said, you got to keep chasing the dream.
(Montage of pictures on a basketball court, bro and sis playing b-ball, bro holding up sis to dunk, bro in a Duke jersey)
Tom Rinaldi:
And chase them they did. Sean always dreamed of playing for Duke, a dream that ended up being nothing, but net.
Cut to footage of a Duke game
Announcer:
The first game of the Duke season and what a story, Bob. Sean Parker, who couldn’t even afford sneakers as a kid, starting for this storied franchise.
Bob:
Yes, his entire poor family is here to see him living his dream. It doesn’t get much better than this. And here’s the opening tip.
Announcer:
Oh no, Parker is down. It looks like his knees have exploded.
Tom Rinaldi:
The dream was over, but the nightmare was about to go into overtime as Tulana experienced a full court press of tragedy. When Sean got hurt, his mother and grandmother were so stunned, they suffered simultaneous heart attacks and then her 50 other siblings drank a poison batch of Kool-aid. Alone, Tulana returned home to find that her house had been eaten by a pack of Raging Cajuns.
Cajun:
Datdemdereshowuzunsumgoodpoboysammichesshonuff, he he, woooooeeeeeee, I’m drunk!
Tom Rinaldi:
Devastated, Tulana could have sought refuge in a downward spiral of drugs and alcohol
(cut to shot of drugs and beerbottles)
but one thing saved her, the dream
(basketball knocks drugs and booze out of the picture)
Tulana would also play for Duke, but her career would be mostly unremarkable, until one game in her sophomore year, she would do something so unbelievable, that she would achieve her dream, and one.
(Cut to Sportscenter highlight)
Scott Van Pelt:
Welcome to SportsCenter. I’m Scott Van Pelt, alongside Neal Everett, and it turns out that someone has powers comparable to Wonderboy.
Neal:
That’s RIGHT! During tonight’s Duke game, a player dunked the ball not ONCE, not THRICE, but TWICE. Not a big deal MAYBE, until you realize we’re talking about WOMAN’s basketball.
Scott:
Here’s the highlight. Tulana Parker has the rock, splits the defense like Angelina Jolie and -you’re the woman now, dog! – jams it home. Girls got more ups than Tom Cruise. Ten minutes later, Tennessee
Neal:
That’s hot.
Scott:
That’s hot! In honor of this momentous occasion, here’s a special Top Ten of the top ten women’s dunks of all time.
Neal:
ACTUALLY, we couldn’t find TEN dunks by a woman, so the last five will be a SQUIRRELL on WATERSKIS.
Scott:
Oh, waterskiiing squirrel, I wish I could quit you.
Tom Rinaldi:
After that night, Tulana’s life changed forever. Late night talk shows, the red carpet, endorsement deals
(Shot of Tampon box with Tulana on the front, saying – “When I’ve got a heavy flow, I grab a Tampax Tampon and jam it home!”)
Then she dropped another bomb, one that would turn the sports world on it’s head, declaring that she would apply for the NBA draft, setting off a fast break of scandal.
(Cut to NBA Tonight, John Saunders, Tim Legler and Stephen A. Smith)
John Saunders:
The big news tonight, of course, is Tulana Jones’ declaring herself eligible for the NBA draft. Any thoughts?
Tim Legler:
Well, certainly, I can understand her wanting to play for a the NBA instead of it’s bastard sister league but she’s just not good enough. Sure, someone will pick her as a publicity stunt but she’s just not going to be able to hang with the big boys.
John:
What about you Stephen A Smith? Do you agree?
Stephen:
BLACK! Black black, black black black black, black black! Black!
Tom Rinaldi:
Sure enough, the Knicks jumped on the opportunity to pick Tulana Jones and signed her to a two hundred million dollar, 20 year contract.
(cut to Isaiah Thomas)
Isaiah:
Look, people are saying we just threw away this draft pick and all that money. And I say, have you seen my draft picks? Or my free agents? She can’t be worse than them, right? And at least she’s got smaller boobs than Eddy Curry.
Reporter:
And what about people who say that this is just a way to distract from the sexual harassment charges by Anucha Sanders?
Isaiah:
That’s a very serious accusation, and I’ll be addressing it with Tulana in many private 1-on-1 meetings.
Reporter:
And how will Tulana coexist with her teammates? Will she be safe in the locker room with a bunch of alpha males?
Isaiah:
Look, there’s no difference between NBA players and WNBA players. They both love women. Sure, the men are bigger, stronger, faster, but other than that, there’s no difference. And if there’s one thing we know about all NBA players, it’s that they respect women.
Tom Rinaldi:
As expected, Tulana did have a hard time adjusting to her new teammates.
(Shot of Tulana and two teammates, one black and one white, posing for photos. Teammates heads are too high to be in the shot)
Cameraman (from off-camera):
All right, big smile everyone. Tulana, why don’t you toss the ball in the air?
(Tulana tosses the ball in the air and Teammate one swats it away)
White Teammate:
Ha ha, I can do that all night baby!
Black Teammate:
Aw, you’re just rejecting her cuz she’s rejected you so many times.
White Teammate:
Hey, she’s just playing hard to get.
Tulana:
No, I just don’t like you.
White Teammate:
Hey baby, don’t hurt me.
Black Teammate:
Yeah, don’t hurt me no more.
(Both start singing “What is love?” and grinding Tulana until she falls out of the picture)
White Teammate:
Ha ha, in Russia
(Teammates highfive, then a ball flies out from off-screen and hits White Teammate in the balls. Cut to Stuart Scott and Scott Van Pelt)
Stuart Scott:
And yet through it all, Tulana has been too legit to quit, telling everyone that they can’t touch this. And tonight, she makes history. Survive, and she’ll greatly exceed expectations, score a point or two, and she’ll make the homies say ho and the girlies Tulana scream. So here’s to you, Tulana, you’re an inspiration, a role model to all the little girls out there, showing them that if you reach for your dreams, and practice hard, you can be half as good as a man.
(Stuart and Scott pause, and start cracking up)
Off-screen voice:
Guys, we’re still on the air.
Stuart:
Wha-wha had happened
Scott:
Uh, GET TO THE CHOPPAH!
(Fade to black)
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