Monday, May 20, 2013

Size does matter

You can tell a lot about someone’s wife by the size of the shower in their house. A regular bathtub shower combo was probably there when they moved in, but still means she might be adventurous. A tiny standup shower means she’s a prude. A spacious shower with a detachable showerhead or, even better, multiple showerheads means she’s a freak.

Because the bigger the shower, the better the possibility—and possibilities—for sex in the shower. There’s room to do it standing, sitting, lying down, bent over. It’s a kama sutra shower. Nothing’s holding you back besides a lack of adhesive ducks.

But tiny showers are worthless. You can’t do anything. Well, one thing, but it’s difficult and uncomfortable. If that shower gets put in, she’s saying the shower is for showering and the only sex is happening in the bedroom.

And you know the tiny shower stall was chosen by the wife because no man would ever choose it. Not that we love shower sex—ok, we totally do—but we want to keep the option open. The more possible places for sex, the better.

It’s the first thing we think of when we look at house or buy furniture. We’re checking out the size of the shower, the height of the kitchen counters and arms of the couch, the slipperiness of the floors, the softness of a carpet, the placement of the heating vents, the sightlines from the windows. We want it to be possible to have sex anywhere, any time, any way. Because then as soon as you even think of sex, we’re ready. We’re not wasting time getting to the bedroom. Too risky. Who knows what might happen on the way there. So we’re ready to do it on the floor, the stairs, the pooltable, the treadmill, against a wall, in a closet. And if we can get you to be adventurous in the house, maybe we can extend it to the outside world. Which is even better, because if we get you horny in a restaurant, we can’t risk losing that on the way home. That’s partly why we don’t like to talk in the car. What if we say something stupid and blow the whole deal?

So we always fight against redesigning. Fancy counters make the kitchen off limits. Hardwood floors are too slippery. And designing a fancy just-for-show living room is like announcing a death in the family. Because if the kids can’t play in there, neither can daddy. Next thing you know, we’re only having sex in the bedroom. And we’re always worried we’re not going to make it there.

So next time your husband is arguing about that new kitchen, don’t be mad. Be happy. Because it means he wants to fuck you. All the time. Anywhere and any way he can. Isn’t that better than granite counters?

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