Sunday, July 21, 2013

Fantasy booking Daniel Bryan's road to Wrestlemania


Disclaimer: If you don't like wrestling, there is no reason to read this post.

Like all wrestling fans--or at least those over 13 years old, male, and especially those at the Online Onslaught forums--I'm ecstatic that Daniel Bryan seems to have finally won the admiration of casual fans and cracked the main event.

But of course the dastardly Vince Mcmahon doesn't like him and he needs to go through SuperCena to get the title and the vile Randy Orton is lurking in the wings, ready to cash in his Money In The Bank Contract.

Most people are hoping Bryan beats Cena and gets a lengthy championship reign. Others worry that he will lose or that he will win only to quickly lose to Orton.

I think the second option is most likely and could lead to some awesome stuff down the line. First of all, it would turn Orton heel--meaning, into a bad guy--which is what he does best. Second, it gets Bryan more sympathy and makes his eventual title win even sweeter. Third, it sets up the opportunity for Vince to step in and do everything he can to stop Bryan from winning the championship.

Here's what I'm hoping happens. Bryan wins, then loses to Orton. Then there would most likely be a triple threat match with Orton, Cena, and Bryan at the next PPV and Orton wins, possibly with help from Mcmahon.

Now Mcmahon steps in and starts trying to keep Bryan from getting back into the title picture. Also, Bryan's partner Kane is probably going to join the evil Wyatt Family so that will occupy his time for a while, until we get to the Royal Rumble, a 30-man battle royale where the winner gets a title shot at Wrestlemania.

And here's how the Rumble should go down. Vince will force Bryan to start the Rumble at #1 and then stack the deck against him, making sure that Bryan has to face one monstrous challenge after another.

(For the sake of this fantasy booking, I'm assuming that Del Rio is still World Champion and facing Christian, and Orton is still WWE champion and facing Sheamus)

So we start off with Bryan #1 and his first opponent is the 7 foot tall Great Khali. Bryan eliminates Khali before #3, who is another monster, maybe a newly heel Brodus, comes out and Bryan eliminates him too.  #4 is is one of the big Wyatt's and he gets eliminated. #5 is Big E but he can't eliminate Bryan. Then #6 is Ryback and it's Bryan against 2 monsters, just hanging on until #7. It's Kane! If he's been heel for a while (who knows what happens with him and the Wyatt's), he comes in and looks like he's about to attack Bryan, hut he turns on the other 2. Then once he takes them out, he hugs Bryan and then CHOKESLAM! He picks up Bryan's limp corpse, hugs it, goes to throw him out but Bryan wakes up and eliminates him. Kane freaks out, pulls him out under the rope and chokeslams him through the Spanish announce table. 

#8 is Mark Henry and we've got a 3-way giant showdown (Henry, Big E, Ryback).#9 is the big show...4 monsters in the ring at once.They fight and each gets a chance to powder out and hit a massive power move or 2, and they quickly dismiss the next 2 entrants (say Ryder and Riley). The 3 other guys tag up on Show and are pushing him over the rope, but he's fighting it, until suddenly Bryan grabs his arms from the outside and yanks him over the top. The YES chants are interrupted by a chokeslam through the other announce table. 

#12 is Miz and he puts up a good fight but gets eliminated.#13 is Ziggler and he goes right after Big E.  He eventually gets his ass kicked but survives. While Ziggler is down, Ryback goes for a superplex on Big E, but Henry goes for a superbacksuplex on him. Suddenly, Bryan is back in the ring and powerbombs Henry for the biggest tower of doom spot in history. And just in time because #14 is RVD! Frog splash on Big E, frog splash on Ryback, frog splash on Henry. Ziggler/Bryan pick up the pieces and eliminate Ryback/Big E, but it takes all 3 guys to pick up Henry and he recovers just in time to throw them off.

Henry runs over Bryan, flapjacks Ziggler into space, and hits the Worlds Strongest Slam on RVD. But then #15 is Jericho. He runs out, ducks a clothesline, and hits the Codebreaker. All 4 guys eliminate Henry, and stare at each other, exhausted. We cut to the back and see Vince flipping out in the gorilla position. How is Bryan still standing? He shoves #16 (Justin Gabriel) out of the way and waves for someone to take his place.

Mah Gawd! That's Brock Lesnar's music. All 4 guys freeze as The Beast makes his way to the ring. He destroys them all and eliminates RVD. Bryan is busted open. Gabriel comes in at 17 and gets tossed. Lesnar smiles and picks up Ziggler and Bryan by the hair, ready to toss them both, but #18 is CM Punk and he goes right after Lesnar. All 3 go after Lesnar but he fights them off and takes them down.

#19 is a returning Matt Morgan and he goes toe-to-toe with Brock Lesnar, trying to stare him down. Brock laughs and motions for him to bring it, but suddenly Morgan turns and kicks Bryan in the face with a big boot, then hits the Hellevator. Punk/Ziggler get involved and go at it with Morgan/Brock until #20, Cody Rhodes. He takes on Morgan and Brock by himself.  Disaster kick to Brock, Crossrhodes to Morgan. #21 is Barrett, also face by now, and Barrett eliminates Morgan. All 5 guys team up on Brock and toss him. Brock goes nuts and F5s everyone on his way out. He yanks Bryan out of the ring under the ropes and F5s him onto the barricade.

Then Cesaro and Swagger are the next two entrants and they work together to eliminate Jericho and Barrett. Meanwhile, Bryan has been getting checked out by medical and they want to stretcher him out but he's arguing.#24 is Damien Sandow and he walks up to where Bryan is being checked out and laughs at him. Bryan freaks out and clocks him. Nothing's going on in the ring so the fans can watch as Bryan gets Sandow to tap out to the Yes Lock on the outside.  Medical and referee pull him off and try to get him back on the stretcher but he clocks a couple and fights them off, then grabs a chair. They back off and Bryan rolls into the ring and nails everyone with chairshots. Swagger is eliminated. Bryan rolls out of the ring, rolls Sandow in and tosses him.
Cut to Vince in the back and he's going nuts. He throws some staffer out of the gorilla position and waves for the next entrant. It's all 3 members of the Shield. They go right after Bryan but he stays alive. Punk, Ziggler, and Rhodes join the fray but the Shield takes them down too. Triple powerbombs on Rhodes and they're about to eliminate him, but #28 is Gooooooooldust. He saves his brother and takes on the Shield by himself. Then he eats a spear and gets eliminated.Rollins and Ziggler fight on the top rope and eliminate each other in some crazy spot.

#29 is Bray Wyatt and he takes out Cody. Punk/Bryan go back to back and fight off the heels until it's time for #30...John Cena! So our final 6 is Cena/Bryan/Punk/Reigns/Ambrose/Wyatt. Cena eliminates Reigns and goes after Ambrose. Punk/Bryan work together and eliminate Wyatt.

Suddenly Cena sneak up on Bryan and tosses him over the top but Bryan hangs on! Cena tries to eliminate Bryan, but Punk spins him around and kicks him in the face! GTS and Cena staggers over to the ropes where Bryan helps him over the top.

Punk/Bryan are the final 2. They do a staredown, then look at the crowd, then back to each other, then they shake hands, like in their ROH days. They tear the roof off for 5-10 minutes and then after some quadruple reversey awesome, Bryan wins the whole thing.

Show goes off-air with Bryan leading thunderous YES chants and Vince in the back tugging his ear while HHH laughs.

Then Bryan has to defend his shot in a stacked Chamber match against Brock, Ryback, Henry, Cena, and Punk. He wins despite Mcmahon shenanigans and goes on to face Orton at Mania, where he wins. And the crowd goes nuts.


So, what do you think of my Rumble? I think the general sentiment of Vince stacking the deck and Bryan surviving one monster after another would be awesome. I'd love to see him end the match with the Punk face-off, but it's more likely to come down to him and Cena. Of course, they could do that at the Chamber match too, so maybe the Rumble could end on Punk/Bryan.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Attractive AND fat?

“I don’t want to look like a weirdo. I’ll just go with the muumuu.” –Homer Simpson

I know I’m late to the party on this, but I’m not too worried about it considering the whole “controversy” started when someone dug up quotes older than my nephew.

Do you remember a month ago when some 7-year old comments from Mike Jeffries, the Abercrombie and Fitch CEO, resurfaced?

“Candidly, we go after the cool kids,” he said, “We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”

THAT MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH! How dare he imply some people are more attractive than others and that it’s better for a brand to be associated with the more attractive people! How cruel! How insane! How honest and completely correct—er, I mean...JERK!

What really set the arms wobbling was the fact that Abercrombie and Fitch doesn’t sell anything above size 10, which means no clothes for fat people, which means he’s saying fat people aren’t attractive. But as we all know, everyone is equally attractive. Abercrombie and Fitch looks just as good on a tight size 2 or 6 bottom as it would stretched across an IMAX-sized ass. Or buried underneath said ass as it sits in a Mcdonald’s booth..

So it was time for another Million Pound March. Which was of course done from behind the safety of keyboards because marching is hard and tiring. Plus, you can eat and type at the same time.

And so we were subjected to the usual nonsense:

“Fat is beautiful!”
“Fat is natural!”
“You’re setting unrealistic body images!”

And then came the cherry on top of the 5,000 calorie sundae. An enormous blogger names Jes Baker somehow squeezed herself into Abercrombie and Fitch clothes, paid an attractive model to be interested in her, and used the Abercrombie and Fitch font to write"Attractive and fat."

Oh snap! No, that wasn’t the sound of her jeans exploding, but the collective response of the internet. This somehow showed those anti-fat assholes. CNN says she “cut Abercrombie and Fitch down to size.”

Yeah, I’m sure this dropped like a bombshell at A&F HQ. In fact, I imagine it went a little something like this:

Johnson: Mr. Jefferies, Mr. Jefferies, horrible news. Some fat chick is taking a stand by wearing our clothes.

Jefferies: So?

Johnson: Well, all the fat people think she’s a hero. And they hate us.

Jefferies: Who gives a shit? We don’t want them buying our clothes anyway.

Johnson: But... look at these pictures.

Jefferies: Ye gads,  they’re disgusting.

Smith: Wait,  it says right here that she’s attractive. And there’s a male model with her. And if a fat person calls herself attractive, then it’s got to be true!

Jefferies: No, she still looks terrible.

Johnson: But the media is saying that she’s really taught us a lesson.

Jefferies: Whatever. As long as no one really thinks are clothes are for people like her, this won’t last any longer than one of her farts. Hey, Smith, what are you doing? Stop masturbating.

Smith: I can’t help it. It says she’s attractive so I have to masturbate. God help me, she’s hideous but I just can’t stop!

And of course it’s already been forgotten (so smooth move by me waiting to post about it). Which is good, because it’s so fucking stupid.

She’s upset that A&F is selling “unrealistic body images,” because they don’t sell clothes above size 10. Size 10! Size 10 is now “unrealistic.” Every young girl is going to develop an eating disorder trying to match those size 10 waifs.

And if she thinks fat is beautiful and attractive, why did she hire a completely shredded male model to pose with her? Why not get a fat guy if fat people are so attractive? Oh right, all this fat talk only affects women. I don’t know if men should be insulted that no one cares about our feelings or flattered that everyone realizes we’re not stupid enough to go into some shame spiral every time we see someone who looks better than us.

Oh wait, she has an excuse for this:

“I just thought we don’t see the juxtaposition of typical and atypical bodies in advertising specifically. Since I am a woman and I am fat and that’s what I have to work with, I wanted to show that contrast by finding a male model.”

See? She had a real artistic reason for doing this. She wanted to send a message to those non-fat cats at A&F. It wasn’t just an excuse to finally get a good-looking guy to take his shirt off and get close to her. And I’m sure he fell in love with her because she’s so attractive. No? Must be because the patriarchy filled his head with lies. Or he’s gay.

Doesn’t matter, because she’s comfortable in her body. She’s had to overcome years of self-loathing—brought upon by men, natch, because women never judge each other—and start living in a body-positive world. And she wants to promote fashion for fat people—fatshion. Because why should fat people be embarrassed to wear spandex pants that squish all their fat together and make their asses look like lava lamps? Why shouldn’t they wear super-short shorts that lets their fat ooze onto the seat next to them? Why shouldn’t they wear bikinis that let us imagine drawing motocross courses over their fat rolls? If we think that it’s disgusting when someone’s gut and lovehandles seem to have melted over their pants, that’s our problem because they are beautiful! We’ve just been brainwashed to think that we’re being subjected to these atrocities, instead of blessed to see such visions of beauty.

Nope. If size 10 has disappeared in the rearview mirror of your motorized scooter, then you’re not beautiful. And a little shame might be good for you, because you need to lose some goddamn weight. Not for the rest of us—although we’d appreciate it—but for yourself. I don’t care if you somehow feel good about  your looks, do you really feel good about breathing heavy after walking for a few blocks, about the pain in your ankles and knees and back, about being unable to sleep on your back because you’ll stop breathing? That’s great that you can look at yourself in the mirror and flaunt your body, but take a look into your future and see if you’ll still be flaunting your diabetes and heart problems.

Speaking from experience, it’s great if you don’t let your looks define you and aren’t depressed and ashamed by your body. But you still shouldn’t be celebrating it. You’re lying to yourself if you think you wouldn’t be happier if you lost weight. There’s a whole world out there that you can’t really experience until you get down to normal size and it’s much better than a few cupcakes. So next time someone shames you by suggesting you shouldn’t be wearing certain clothes, or can’t fit in just one airplane seat, don’t get offended and defensive. Get motivated. Don’t demand bigger clothes—and for the love of God, don’t squeeze yourself into smaller ones—just lose some weight.

And this isn’t just for fat people. We’ve become a nation of whiners and quitters. Oh, not everyone can be good enough to win at sports, so we shouldn’t keep score. Not everyone can climb the rope or run laps so we should stop making them do it. The kids that aren’t on the honor roll are embarrassed so we shouldn’t acknowledge the kids that did well. Forget trying to get people to practice, or try harder, or study more—Participation trophies for everyone  

Everyone’s got to start sucking it up. No, not like Jes Baker at the dinner table. I mean stop getting insulted, stop getting offended, stop making excuses, and try to fix the problem. Exclusion isn’t an insult, it’s a challenge.

It’s not Abercrombie and Fitche’s fault that your fat. If you want to wear their clothes, shut your mouth—figuratively and literally—and make it happen